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Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical.

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.