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SCENE:
Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.
Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.
(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler:(entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
Ross:(to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
(Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)
Monica:(to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)
SCENE:
Back in the conference room in Tulsa.
Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.
(All others are looking up, surprised)
Chandler: Did I not tell anyone about New Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.
(All are leaving, wishing each other a Merry Christmas, peace on earth, etc. Only Wendy stays.)
Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?
Wendy: Naah... I couldn't leave you alone.
Chandler: Ah. Thanks.
Wendy: Besides, I can't leave until their Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some pissed off insurance people looking for that ham.
Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.
Scene change back an forth: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica's on the other end of the line. The phone's speaker is turned on, so the rest of the gang, sitting around the phone, can hear Chandler.
Monica: Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Others:(simultaneously) Merry Christmas! (except for Phoebe...)
Phoebe:(simultaneous to the others) Ble-blah-blar Blargh!
(All the others look at her, stunned/incredulous)
Chandler: Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys!
Monica: So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?
Chandler: Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.
Monica: Wendy? -- That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: It is. Did I... not tell you about her?
Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else?
Chandler: I sent them home.
Monica: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty?
Chandler: Uhh, uh...
Ross:(in a low voice) Answer faster, answer faster!
Chandler: I don't know!
Ross:(in the same low voice) Answer better, answer better!
Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.
Monica: What does she do there?
Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.
Monica: She did WHAT?
Chandler: BE-LOW me!
Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
Monica:What???
Chandler: Well, she... she didn't win...
Monica: Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably...
Rachel:(interrupting him) Oh Chandler, stop talking!
Chandler: Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: I'm serious!
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Merry Christmas.
Monica: Merry Christmas.
Chandler: Merry Christmas, you guys!
Others:(simultaneously) Yeah, Merry... Christmas. (again, Phoebe...)
Phoebe:(simultaneous to the others) Blah blargah, blar-blab.
(Again the others just look at her, silent, puzzled.)
SCENE:
back in the conference room in Tulsa
Chandler:(hanging up the phone) The wife says "Hi!".
Wendy: Ah. Fun conversation?
Chandler: Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen.
Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? (She gets hold of Chandler's tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)
Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie.
(She's getting closer to him, the scene fades to black.)
SCENE:
The conference room in Tulsa again, Chandler is trying to evade Wendy
Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)
Wendy:(laughs) ...Missy?
Chandler: I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
Wendy: You are to me... (She gets closer again, putting her arms around his torso.)
Chandler:(flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!
Wendy: So? I'm married. (Showing him the ring on her finger.)
Chandler: I'm happily married.
Wendy: Oh. - What's that like?
Chandler: Right. So, I'm sorry...
Wendy: Seriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was ... happy?
Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?
(Chandler starts to think about it...)
back to 716: The One With The Truth About London
SCENE:
London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a visit and they started talking
Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.)(Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we don't do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler:(thinks) That's the perfect amount!
Monica: Okay!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica:(breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?
Chandler: What?
Monica: This doesn't feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You're a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
Monica: Hm-hmm!
Chandler: Okay!
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.
Chandler: Yep!
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica: One!
Chandler: Two!
Monica: Two!
Both: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
Chandler: Eh! (They start making out again)
back to 503: The One With The Triplets
SCENE:
A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
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